What the cat dragged in

"Playing it Straight" update

After dropping the show completely last week for some piece of Americans-abroad (as if any Australian hasn’t seen enough already of such IRL) garbage by king of the 90s B-movie Jerry Bruckheimer, Seven last night at least had the decency to recommence playing out the last few episodes of "Playing it Straight".

The 11.30 pm timeslot doesn’t really worry me, as it was always a VCR job anyway, by virtue of being up against "Kath & Kim" (which I suspect is one reason PiS bombed so badly in the ratings – Channel 7, hello).

As it happens, last night’s ep was the best in ages, with the stunning – for me, anyway – revelation that Campbell was gay. If you haven’t watched the show, you’ll just have to take my word for it than the chisel-jawed Campbell came across straighter than the other eleven guys put together (if that’s the right metaphor). And now it turns out that he plays for my team – Awww! Just to show what a well-rounded butch poofter he is, Campbell gave a genuinely moving little au revoir speech on how gays are real men, too. If only! But anyway, Campbell, if you’re ever down in Melbourne, feel free to look me up – I can’t wait to dry-shave my legs using your jaw for a razor.

Otherwise, the big news is that it’s down to the final three, and poor old Rebecca learns during next week’s ep that at least two of these are gay. Like, derr. While I haven’t been keeping a close tally of the gay evictees to date, I’m pretty sure that there haven’t been six of them yet (Rebecca was told at the near-outset that at least half the original twelve contestants were gay). In any case, if Rebecca’s math is rather wonky, her gaydar is infinitely worse.

Chad positively screams gay, while Evan would too, but for the fact that he prefers to lip-synch – during those rare moments, that is, when he is not to be found clenching a pillow between his teeth.

Finally, there’s blonde surfer-boy Dane. Early on, I was sure he was straight, then I began to have my doubts, but now I’m back to “straight”. Admittedly, it is an understatement to say that Sydney resident Dane is gay-acting, but no matter how much I try, I can’t picture the sweet young thing in what would be his rightful place in the gay cosmos – on a podium at an Oxford Street club. This isn’t just a hunch: it is an immutable law of gay life that blonde podium boys live in a hall of mirrors that is much more brittle, hypnotic and incestuous than any reality TV producer could contrive – or lead them away from to audition for.


Update 5 November 2004

In case you missed it last night, Chad was the last man standing, and he turns out to be straight! If he really is – and here, either I smell a rat in the riggings, or my gaydar is truly wonky – then Thorpie can relax. The unwanted mantle of Australia's Poofiest Straight Guy has been taken from his broad shoulders. Nay, Chad positively leaves Thorpie in the dust on this one.

As for Dane (gay; I was wrong again), I really have no idea on how he's avoided becoming a semi-permanent podium installation at a gay club. You wicked, wicked boy!