Wednesday, July 03, 2019
Nose-picking and the Bible – Important public service announcement
Last night I had a visitation from St Paul – yes, that Biblical New Testament one (and my namesake). As you might expect, he’s been following closely the Israel Folau controversy, which has motivated him to pass on, via me, some very important information about getting into Heaven.
In summary, St Paul’s list of Things Which Preclude You From Heaven – as famously paraphrased by Israel Folau on Twitter – urgently needs another behaviour added to the No Go list (of homosexuality, drunkenness, etc): nose-picking.
Here, St Paul was at pains to explain why he’d left nose-picking OFF the list nearly 2,000 years ago. Sure, it was – then and now – disgusting, especially when one saw others doing it in public. But, St Paul went on to say, he had indulged in a bit of it (when no one was looking, of course) throughout his life, and so couldn’t bring himself to be a hypocrite by adding it to the No Go list. Plus, as he thought 2,000 years ago, it wasn’t exactly a big deal.
BIG MISTAKE, St Paul stressed to me last night. He found out soon after he died that Heaven has FINGER-SCANNERS at its gates, SO SENSITIVE THAT THEY CAN DETECT EVEN ONE SINGLE INCIDENT OF NOSE-PICKING, however many decades and hand-washes have passed in the meantime. Of course, when St Paul passed through the scanner, the Booger-Meter (to use its technical name) lit up bright red – and God, standing by the side, turned the same colour when he told St Paul how disappointed he (God) was in St Paul’s behaviour.
Fortunately for St Paul – who couldn’t help but notice God’s (immaculately clean) finger hovering over the switch that flicks the trapdoor down to Hell – God informed him that, due to St Paul’s otherwise impressively reformed character, he (God) would, on this occasion only, sentence him to 2,000 years in Purgatory/Limbo, after which his status would be reviewed.
And just yesterday, you’ll be pleased to hear, St Paul was duly received into Heaven, which also allowed him, finally, the free Wi-Fi required to send his 3D holographic avatar with its life-changing message down to me last night.
So overall you can see it was a CLOSE CALL for St Paul, folks. And most importantly, now that the message is out, he wants you to know that God from now on has a ZERO TOLERANCE FOR NOSE-PICKERS. If you fail the Booger-Meter scan at Heaven’s gates – for any picking whatsoever done after you have heard the news of this Biblical revision – when your time comes, God will just flick open the trapdoor down to Hell; no if’s, but’s or second-chances.
So it’s my job to get the word of this out. But folks, I can’t do this alone. We need to set up a crowdfunding website to pay for a big publicity campaign. Because in these days of Political Correctness Gone Mad, we can’t even trust school-teachers not to be nose-pickers themselves. Therefore, we need to get the message out direct to the kiddies. I’m thinking of giant billboards placed at the entrance to every school in the world, saying “In Public or Private, Nose-pickers Go Straight to Hell” – that should make the kiddies think twice before they besmirch their fingers. And NO Politically Correct BULLY should be permitted to suggest anything to the contrary whatsoever.
So time to get your wallets out, peeps. Remember, Every Booger Is Sacred (we could even crowdfund a song along these lines). Some other handy mottos to keep you on the straight and narrow from now on are: Clean Fingers Equal Clean Souls, and A Chaste Finger Would Never Defile Your Nose (or Booger-Tabernacle, as St Paul prefers to call it).